My Sordid and Bumpy Ride: Two Wives and a Husband — Part 24
Chapter 22: Single Father — 1983, Ages 36-37
“A boy, by the age of three years, senses that his destiny is to be a man, so he watches his father particularly – his interest, manner, speech, pleasures, his attitude towards work. — Benjamin Spock – an American pediatrician whose book, Baby and Child Care, is one of the best-selling volumes in history.
I agree with the above quote by Dr. Spock. I wanted to set a good example for my son. It was even more important to me that I lead by example now that his mother is seldom in his life.
I had tried my best to do the same for Brock when I married his mother. I stopped doing all drugs including marijuana. I did drink alcohol but not excessively. I always had a full-time job and at least one part-time job. I was sort of obsessed with making more money. I wanted both Brock and Ike to know that nothing in life was free. Brock has made a good life for himself and is a successful doctor of chiropractor plus has invested well in other businesses. On the other hand, Ike has struggled. I often wonder what sort of impact my “lead by example” had on them.
I married Brock’s mother when he was four years old. Now I am divorced from his mother and have full-time custody of four-year-old Ike. What a coincidence, right?
Ike was my life. I was the first person to hold him when he was born and our bond got stronger every time I held him. He was my pride and joy and there was nothing I would not do to make his life the best it could be.
After selling the home Raquel and I had bought and dividing the furnishings, I found an apartment to rent. Raquel and I were on speaking terms. Although I had primary custody of Ike she had visitation rights. I knew that until Ike grew up I would have to communicate with his mother. Besides, I always wanted him to have her in his life. It wasn’t his fault that she and I couldn’t make the marriage work. I had heard stories of children of divorced parents that blamed themselves for the breakup. On the contrary, had Ike not entered the picture we probably would have divorced much sooner. Ike was the glue that held me in that marriage.
Soon after moving into the apartment, I realized I knew my neighbor Harold from high school. He also had recently been through a divorce and had a son the same age as Ike. Although he didn’t have full custody of his son, Evan, he had him several times during the week and most weekends. Harold and I had similar lifestyles at the time. We were both single fathers and raising a young son.
We became good enough friends to plan a trip to take our boys to Disney World in Miami, Florida. I am not a real fan of Disney World ever since I took that trip. I’ve been told I should go back and enjoy Disney World without any children. For me, the only reason I went in the first place was to take my son. I did enjoy being on the grounds but I did not enjoy the long lines, the heat, and especially being with an over-the-top hyperactive son.
Ike was not easy to deal with. He was already showing signs of being defiant. Ike was not afraid of me, nor anyone at this young age. He did not respond to a strong voice and punishment. He seemed to want to get a whipping. Of course, I did not lay a hand on him on that trip but he had my blood pressure spiking. I was happy when we finally got back to the apartment and swore that I would never go back to that zoo called Disney World. I realize today that had the circumstances been different I may have enjoyed the trip.
Brock was with his mother now and Ike was with me. I was promoted to sales manager, which required more hours at work. Fortunately, Mama stepped up and told me not to worry about the longer work days. She would pick up Ike after school when he was not going to his mother’s. Mama started taking care of him until I could get off of work. She dearly loved Ike and taking care of him. She took him with her to visit friends and family.
She was so proud to show off her grand-baby.
My life was work and then being there for my young son. There was not much free time to go out with friends and certainly no time to take care of any sexual needs. Finding a trick would be easy but what kind of example would that set for Brock and Ike? The last thing I wanted was to embarrass or humiliate them.
I had thoughts, and I am not going to lie and say I never acted out on them, but very seldom. In my mid-30’s the urge was not as prevalent as it used to be. I wanted to be a good father and set a good example. I had to ignore any sexual thoughts, especially about a man. My past was just that, my past. I now needed to do the right thing. Knowing Ike was with Mama until I got off of work was enough motivation for me to not venture out. Mama enjoyed having Ike with her but he was not her responsibility. He was my responsibility, and Raquel’s.
I was offered another promotion with Lanier 3M. The promotion was a big step with a substantial salary increase. It wasn’t solely a commissions-based income as I had been on up to this point. It was a salary plus a percentage of the commissions of all salesman working under me. My income would triple. It was a great offer but there were a couple of issues to consider. I would be a “district manager,” which was the highest position in the office, the boss. However, it was not out of the office in Henderson where I was working. The promotion was at an office just outside of New Orleans. Depending on traffic it would be a minimum of a one hour drive from where I lived. I would have to leave home in the morning more than an hour earlier. As a district manager I would have to open and close the office. That meant when a salesman had a late appointment I wouldn’t be able to leave until he returned to the office. There would be no set time that I could leave for the drive home. I couldn’t expect Mama to bring Ike to school, pick him up from after school daycare, and then watch him into the night.
In the divorce proceedings I had agreed to Raquel having visitation rights. Under that part of the divorce agreement I couldn’t move out of town unless I got special permission from Raquel. She wouldn’t agree even though she had canceled her visitation time on several occasions to accommodate her personal schedule.
I turned down the promotion. I was not in the position to take on that kind of responsibility. I was already feeling like I was missing out on Ike growing up, starting school, and becoming the cutest and smartest boy ever. I wanted more time with my son. I was happy with my decision. Being there for my son was what I wanted. Money was not my main motivation.
I was approached by the owner of different copier company. He owned a Canon dealership. He told me that he was tired of competing with me and losing. He wanted me on his team. Canon products was one of my biggest competitors. When I lost a sale it was normally either Canon or Xerox. He offered more guaranteed income plus higher percentage on each sale. He told me about the upcoming trip to Acapulco that the top salesmen would attend and what the quota was to win the trip. I was sold. I would be just a salesman, not in management, unless I wanted that position later. I accepted. I worked for this man for five years before moving into a position with Xerox. I was fortunate to excel in all three of my jobs in copier and facsimile sales. I made adequate money and won several all-expense-paid trips.
As time went on Ike’s visits with his mother came less and less often. It started out with her frequently wanting to change the dates she was supposed to have him. At first I didn’t really think much about it but Mama was very vocal about it. I would hear the comments regarding Raquel’s agreeing to give up her child. What kind of mother would do that? I would always ask my mama, and everyone else, not to talk about Raquel like that around Ike. I was determined to not let him think she didn’t want him. I wanted him to have a relationship with his mother. I never said anything negative about her to him. That strategy worked until Ike became about 10 years old when he said he did not want to spend the weekend with her. He claimed it was because she and the man she was with were always fighting. He also began to say that she didn’t love him. I always tried to calm him down and tell him that his mother did love him. He had his mind made up at this point and nothing I could say would change it.
When Ike was in pre-kindergarten I was contacted by the school. I was told that Ike was extremely smart. They wanted my permission to have him tested for the “Gifted & Talented” (GT) program. I knew Ike was advanced for his age. He knew his alphabet at a younger age than other children. His mother was very smart academically and so was Brock. I was told Ike was bored in pre-K because he already knew most of what they were teaching. I was proud to hear that he needed to be tested. I agreed to the testing. The results stated that his IQ was off the charts. They recommended that he get to a special program for the smart kids. According to the principal he was the first child to qualify for the GT program as a kindergartner.
When Ike was 10 and said he was not going to see his mother it created a huge problem. The “ride” definitely got bumpier. The problem got worse when I attempted to talk to Raquel about the situation. She went ballistic, yet again, accusing me of turning her son against her. No matter how much I tried to tell her that I did just the opposite, she would not listen. She denied fighting with her boyfriend in Ike’s presence. She called her son a liar to justify her actions.
I started getting phone calls from Ike’s teacher. He was a discipline problem. He did not always listen to instructions. Ike was liked by his teacher but he was not allowing the teacher to do her job. He required too much attention. At the suggestion of his teacher I decided to get Ike into counseling. There was no insurance to pay the therapist and it was expensive but it had to be done. I needed to get him help. The recommended therapist charged $180/hour, which was outrageous for my budget. I had to make more money so I got one of the many part-time jobs I had over the next 10 years. The last time I counted I’ve had at least 25 different part time jobs. I’ve never been afraid to do just about anything to make extra money to get the bills paid. Ike needed help and it was my responsibility.
The therapist suggested that his teacher should give Ike extra work, more advanced work in class. He needed to be challenged more and give him less idle time. It sounded like a good plan but it did not work. He always managed to complete assignments in class and still have time to be disruptive. He was still young and he would adjust. I was told he would settle down.
Raquel played a huge role in how Ike moved on. She would never for a second think that her abandoning him had anything to do with her. It’s always someone else’s fault when it doesn’t go right for her.
The first thing Raquel did right after our divorce was have her breasts enlarged. She told me it was her new husband who not only paid for them but wanted her to get them. I found that story hard to believe. She complained many times that because she breastfed both Brock and Ike her breasts were small. I would always tell her they were fine just like every part of her body. I had to constantly tell her how beautiful she was or she would become insecure and pout. It was Raquel’s self-centeredness that superseded any parental obligations she had to Ike.
Her new husband was older, had never been married, had no children, and he worked at the telephone company with Raquel. He owned a nice home and he supposedly was pretty wealthy. This is the same telephone company where Raquel complained about everyone being so mean to her. It was during this marriage that Ike refused to go to her for his scheduled visits.
The counselor told me that I should no longer force Ike to see his mother. He had told her of violent situations with his mother and her husband and that the man hated him. I actually got to know this man and he didn’t hate Ike. He did start to strongly dislike Raquel and put a stop to her spending his money when he saw what she was really after.
Brock was also living with me off and on until he graduated high school. He couldn’t live under his mother’s rules but agreed to live under mine. I guess mine were not nearly as strict as hers. Brock had learned at a young age how to manipulate to get what he wanted. As I saw how Raquel basically abandoned Ike I gave Brock the benefit of the doubt and would allow him to stay with me when he wanted.
After Brock’s high school graduation he was very eager to get out of Henderson. He went on a trip with friends to Steamboat Springs, CO. I got a call when it was time for him to return saying that he had secured a job at a ski resort and would spend a year there before returning home for college. He had taken all the money he received, mostly from my family, and was not using it for college. I was not happy but understood somewhat. He did return home about a year later, enrolled in college, then went on to chiropractic school. He also taught himself how to play the guitar and started up a small band. He was the singer and local people loved his music. That is how he paid his way through college, along with student loans. I am very proud of him for that part of his life.
I continued working as an outside salesman selling copiers, along with a part-time job for the next couple of years while Ike was in 1st and 2nd grades. Raquel was still having Ike at times but the times were more spaced out. Although she and I still spoke about Ike when necessary it was becoming harder to deal with her actions. She was delusional, accusing me of talking poorly about her to Ike. She was the one turning him against her. I became angry with her when she spoke of that nonsense. I wanted Ike with her when it was her time. I wanted and needed the the break. He was a handful, always acting out in school. Thankfully my mama was always there to help me with him. She saw how inappropriate a mother Raquel was and had no tolerance for her for abandoning her baby. Mama was also tired of hearing me defend Raquel and she didn’t hesitate telling me so.
When the time did come that I shared with Mama that the therapist said I should no longer force Ike to be with his mother, she responded “I could’ve told you that for free.” Going to see a therapist was never a practice of my family and my mama thought it was ridiculous, especially for me to have to work another job to pay for the sessions. Mama was right again because the counseling never really seem to help Ike.
Within six months of counseling, Ike told me I was wasting my money. He said, “That woman doesn’t know what she is doing. All she does is file her nails for an hour.” He told that he was telling her what she needed to hear and she was too stupid to know it. I took his comments with a grain of salt, so to speak, and made a phone call to the therapist. The phone conversation was brief. I would have to tell her more during the next visit.
The next visit came with resistance from Ike. He told me once again I was wasting my money. This kid was too young to be talking like that. I figured that the therapist had him figured out by now and he didn’t like that she could control the situation. The visit was just like the other sessions. She greeted us in the lobby, told me to have a seat and she would talk to me after Ike’s session. It wasn’t what I was expecting. About ten minutes before the hour was up the door to her office opened and she instructed Ike to have a seat in the waiting room. She had a couch in her office just like you see on TV but there were leather chairs as well. I was happy when she pointed to a chair and told me to have a seat and not lie down on the couch. I wasn’t the one that needed counseling, so I thought.
The conversation began with her telling me to please tell her again exactly what Ike had said to me. She began by reminding me once again that she could not discuss with me anything Ike said in the privacy of her office. She could only tell me how to help him get better adjusted. Her comments to me began with her saying that Ike was right, she was not the therapist to help him. She told me that when Racquel and I divorced, Ike stop maturing socially. Although he was extremely bright, he still thought like a four-year-old in a lot of ways. She said that Ike was right. He was just telling her what he thought she wanted to hear but she knew that. She was not able to get him to open up to her about his true feelings. His outward personality, always being the one having to have the attention, was a cover up. Inside he was a very confused and troubled boy.
This was not unusual for children of divorced parents but his high IQ could be adding to the problem. The last comment she made to me floored me. She told me that Ike would end up doing one of two things as he got older. He would either put his intelligence to good use and invent something or he would spend his life in jail. WTF? I was paying this woman $180/hour and she tells me something that absurd and then says that she can’t help him. After she asked if I would like the names of other doctors to see, I said, “No, thanks,” and left the office. I guess I was in shock. Ike asked me what she said and I responded only that he would not be going back there.
Over the next year Ike did seem to be doing better in school as far as discipline went. He always made A’s on every test and report card. Even in elementary school, in the gifted and talented program, he very rarely had homework to do at home. His teachers confirmed that he usually completed his homework either at the very end of class or in after school care program.
Although Ike didn’t want to go with his mother and the therapist told me I shouldn’t force him to go, I had a different opinion. It was not his decision. I told Racquel I would go back to court with proof if he witnessed anymore violence. She responded that Ike was a liar and it never happened, but it did. Ike was abused by Racquel’s husband #6. I’m not going to go into details at this time because it still upsets me to this day to relive it. I will say that Ike was never forced to visit her again and she was out of his life. Once again, as Anne Lamont said, if she wanted me to write nice things about her she should have behaved better. She has given me many reasons to not talk nicely about her. I can never forgive her for abandoning our son.
I felt like I was both the father and mother to Ike. Times were stressful for me because I didn’t like having to depend on my mama so much to help with Ike. She never complained much but I knew that she didn’t need that type of responsibility at her age. Mama just always did what had to be done.
My sexual needs at this point of my life were somewhat dormant. I didn’t have much time to think about sex. I had a son to raise. An extracurricular life was out of the question since Mama was taking care of Ike when he was not at school. Mama never seemed to mind taking care of Ike when I wanted to play tennis. If I asked her to watch him for me to go out at night, just the look she gave me said the answer was no. I didn’t have much of a social life, nor did I desire one.
One exception was playing tennis with my attorney friend, Burt, the lawyer who handled my divorce. We frequently played tennis on his private tennis court in his backyard. He had a beautiful home with a tennis court and a swimming pool. He lived in one of the nicest neighborhoods in Henderson with other lawyers and doctors for neighbors. Burt had an invitation for me that changed the course of my life. He told me that he and his wife were having a little dinner get-together and would love for me to attend. I had met his wife Mary back in high school and liked her as well. I accepted and made plans to be there.
When I arrived at Burt and Mary’s there were two other couples already there. Burt asked me what I would like to drink while I was talking to Mary as she was finishing up with the cooking. While Mary and I were in the kitchen, a lady came in, said “Hi” to Mary, gave her a hug, and then went into the living room with the other guests.
I refer to her as a lady because when I first laid eyes on her that’s what I saw, lady, an elegant lady. She was not dressed like the other women there. She had a simple dress, not fancy, which was sleeveless. I noticed how well-toned her arms and legs were. She didn’t wear a lot of jewelry, no flashy diamonds or pearls, but looked like she could have wore them in good taste. It was obvious to me that she did not know how how pretty she was. After being with a woman who was just the opposite, it made me more aware of her not trying to impress everyone.
Burt introduced her to me. Her name was Sophia and she lived directly across the street from Burt and Mary. After us greeting each other with the normal hellos, I went about the house with Burt as he took me on a tour.
This was the first time I had been inside this beautiful home. Both Burt and Mary were amateur musicians. Burt played the piano and Mary was a singer. Burt told me that when they first got together the two of them used to perform at weddings and other events while Burt was getting his law practice going. I would eventually hear Mary sing and in my opinion she was good. She had a raspy, sexy voice, which reminded me of Bonnie Raitt.
Upon entering the formal dining room I was amazed at the setup on the table. There were several vases filled with fresh flowers. The table was set by someone who obviously had taken a course in table setting with everything aligned perfectly. I wondered which utensil to use for which dish. There were several different foods in expensive glass dishes. I wasn’t sure if the glassware was crystal or not since I had never been at a table with crystal in our home. I did know the difference between a salad fork and a dinner fork but that was about all I knew about silverware. I decided I would just watch the other guests. This was not what I was expecting. Burt was such a cool, down-to-earth sort of guy. I didn’t know this side of his personal life. He had class.
Burt showed me where I would be sitting at this big table and I took a seat next to Sophia. Everyone else at this dinner were married couples. I did not think anything about that at the time. Sophia and I exchanged greetings again and the meal began, with wine glasses being filled regularly.
Sophia and I told each other a little about or own lives. She was a widow. Her husband had died a few years earlier of an aneurysm. I listened to her story and felt sorry for her since she had witnessed his death. Her late husband was the Assistant District Attorney in Henderson. They had moved to Henderson from Baton Rouge for her husband to work under the District Attorney, whom he knew from law school. I happened to know the present District Attorney and his wife. I had known the D.A. for years so the conversation with Sophia was easy. We had mutual friends. She then told me that she had one son, Jake, and he was nine years old. He was at home with a sitter while Sophia attended the dinner party.
At one point, Burt spoke directly to me and asked if Sophia had told me she was a marathon runner, which she hadn’t. He then said to Sophia, “Rocky is a runner also.” Sure, I did some light jogging to stay in shape, but a 5K, a 3.1-mile run was the farthest I jogged.
Consequently the conversation between Sophia and I turned to running. I asked about her training to be able to run for so long. We then talked a little about my past and she learned that I was single and had custody of Ike, who was two years younger than her son Jake. We talked off and on throughout the meal. The other guests were her neighbors, and they all seemed to have a lot to discuss, mostly about their children and them playing together.
After the meal was over and everyone was leaving, Sophia asked me if I would like to go for a run sometime. I laughed and told her that I would be embarrassed to try to keep up with her, a marathon runner. She assured me that she would jog with me on an off day of training and that it would be fine. I agreed and we set up a time for the upcoming weekend. She told me we could jog right there in her neighborhood and I could stop jogging anytime I needed to. She also told me that I should bring Ike with me instead of asking Mama to watch him. Ike could play with Jake and the other kids, including Burt and Mary’s three boys, right there in the side yard. We exchanged phone numbers and I told her I would call her by mid-week. When I did call her she sounded pleased to hear from me. She told me once again to bring Ike with me and I agreed.
Not once did the thought enter my mind that the dinner was a set up. I would later hear that they had both decided that the two of us should meet. They believed we had a lot in common and could enjoy each others company. Burt also told me that they figured neither of us would go to the dinner if we knew it was to meet someone. They secretly planned this meeting.
Thank you, Burt and Mary, for actually being responsible for the next chapter in my life. I am grateful for having met Sophia. If there are angels in a person’s life, I believe Sophia was my angel.
Now publishing two episodes each week! Stay tuned for the next chapter, Part 25, Marriage #2. And don’t forget to subscribe! It’s free if you want it to be, and every episode will come directly to your email inbox. Thanks for reading!
Ricky J. Porche
@rickyjoe1954
Hello, Ricky here. I am a 70 y.o. out gay man who grew up in a small Louisiana town when “coming out” was not an option. I wrote this memoir to entertain and perhaps help others on a similar journey. Hopefully, you enjoy “Sordid and Bumpy Ride.”
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