My Sordid and Bumpy Ride: Two Wives and a Husband — Part 26
Chapter 24: Who Am I? — 2000, age 46
“I’m not gay, but if I were, I’d be the first one running out of the closet.” — Dolly Parton, an American singer-songwriter and actress.
Who does not love Dolly Parton? She is an inspiration to most. If only I could’ve been in her presence, maybe I would have been inspired to be who I am.
Sophia was a classy lady, and I am forever grateful to her for sharing her qualities with me. I became a much better person because of her. More than any woman in my life, she is the one person I regret hurting when I finally admitted who I was and came out. Sophia did not deserve me giving her hope for a future only to be let down after ten years of marriage.
Unfortunately, I was still married to Sophia when I finally was ready to be honest. I was with Sophia when it occurred. She and I were in New Orleans for a weekend of fine dining and cocktails. She loved eating at some of the well-known restaurants in or near the French Quarter. A few that I can remember were Bayona, Commander’s Palace, and Court of Two Sisters. One morning, after having dinner and cocktails at one of those restaurants the night before, we went out for coffee. The hot spot was Café Du Monde French Market. This place is famous for café au lait, chicory coffee, and beignets. For us, it was all about beignets and the atmosphere. It is located in the heart of the French Quarter, just off of Jackson Square with a view of the Mississippi River. It has been in existence since 1862.
If you are not aware of beignets, it is a type of fritter or deep-fried pastry typically made from pate a chou, but may also be made from other types of dough, including yeast dough. To be honest, here, I had to look up that definition to explain what a beignet is. All I could say is that it is fried dough covered in powdered sugar and is delicious.
We were sitting at one of the many outdoor tables, enjoying not only the coffee and beignets but the people around us. Because New Orleans is a common tourist attraction, there is always a lot to see other than the locals. I guess I’ve always been a people watcher. When my curiosity takes over, I enjoy seeing what other people are wearing and how they look and act. This particular morning, I noticed a couple that I normally wouldn’t give a second glance. The couple was sitting at the table right next to us. Looking out into the street, where people were walking by, I couldn’t help but notice this couple — two men, not the normal male and female, who occupied most tables.
The two men were probably in their late 30’s, maybe early 40’s. For some reason I couldn’t help myself, I kept glancing their way. They were both very handsome men and appeared to be a couple. I would not look for very long. They didn’t touch each other when I looked but it was obvious to me that they were more than friends. They were looking at each other like they were all alone, never seeming to look anywhere except straight ahead at each other.
It is so hard for me to explain what happened next and I’m sure it will sound ridiculous. I felt a connection with these men somehow. We never even made eye contact. In an instant, I felt an emptiness. I felt that I wanted what they had. That was absolutely insane. I was sitting with my lovely wife who adored and loved me in this special place and I felt empty, as if I was missing out on something. As soon as I felt that feeling I discarded it. I refocused my attention on Sophia and had a normal, wonderful ending to our trip. I was crazy having those thoughts.
My problem this time was I could not let go of that feeling. I would wake up in the middle of the night and I could still see those two handsome men. I wanted what they had. I was desiring to be with a man more and more. I could not seem to stop thinking about it for any length of time. I didn’t know what to do.
I finally figured out what I needed to do. It was not normal for a man to look at another man the way I had looked at those two men. Certainly, wanting what they had was ridiculous. I knew nothing about them, nothing about their lives. All I knew was that I felt an emptiness. I started believing that I was not a heterosexual, I was not a bisexual, I must be a homosexual. It was time for me to be honest with myself, if not anyone else, and find out who I really was.
I regret the way I went about figuring out my sexuality. For all those years I had been a closeted gay denying the person I am. I was a coward. The way I handled it, as far as Sophia was concerned, is the biggest regret I have regarding coming out. I should have told her how I was feeling after that trip to New Orleans. Instead, I was unfaithful to her. I would lie about sales meetings in New Orleans near the French Quarter lasting longer than they did. This would give me time to cruise the gay area of the French Quarter. I had two friends, Eli and Lester, who had come out after being married. I would meet up with them to cruise the French Quarter gay bars. Both of these guys had been where I was and understood what I was going through. I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I just wanted to be with a man for a “quickie.” I knew what I was doing was wrong. The guilt was taking over my every thought. I was miserable. I could not seem to accept that I had been a “closeted” gay man for so long. I would go from one day thinking I would come out to the next day thinking I couldn’t. I was one fucked up individual. The ride was too bumpy. I was about to lose my mind.
I was no longer a teenager. I was no longer a young adult cruising a gay park to get even with a cheating wife. When I was married to Racquel I justified my cheating because she cheated on me first. Everything was different now. I was with a lovely lady who did not deserve her husband cheating on her. Sophia did nothing to deserve that kind of treatment. The most tremendous guilt that I had ever experienced was now stuck in my mind. The guilt did not go away. It still hasn’t as I put this in words.
I did have a big change in me finally. I must have somehow grown some balls, so to speak. I wanted to come clean. I was ready to admit who I was no matter how difficult, no matter what anyone thought of me. I never wanted to lie to Sophia again. I now had a plan. First, I would tell Sophia and then tell the boys. WTF? What was I doing? How could I do this? I must have lost my mind.
Now publishing two episodes each week! Stay tuned for the final chapter, Part 27, Coming Out Announcement. And don’t forget to subscribe! It’s free if you want it to be, and every episode will come directly to your email inbox. Thanks for reading!
Ricky J. Porche
@rickyjoe1954
Hello, Ricky here. I am a 70 y.o. out gay man who grew up in a small Louisiana town when “coming out” was not an option. I wrote this memoir to entertain and perhaps help others on a similar journey. Hopefully, you enjoy “Sordid and Bumpy Ride.”
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